Mantastic! Part 1

I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I saw a link to an article entitled "The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master" my cursor flew toward its blue text like a bee to the expectant, be-dewed flower, a metaphor which makes all too obvious my desperate need to find out what makes a 'real man.' As far as I know, self-indulgent floral imagery was scratched off the "dude roster" about the time opium went out of style.

As is my way, I was almost immediately filled with righteous contempt upon the reading of this man's list, so much so that snarling and/or rabid dog imagery is entirely appropriate. And it wasn't simply because some cock-knocker took it upon himself to itemize masculinity--shit, I'll take all the help I can get. It was the absurd crap he was peddling as significant, undermined all the more by the asinine elaborations following most points. But like the Incredible Hulk, my best work is fueled by pure rage, and as I read on, I couldn't stem the flood of bitter rejoinders to this man's commentary on the male sex. And so, because I clearly had a good kindergarten teacher, I've decided to share. As a courtesy (read: humanitarian gesture), I'll spare you the whole 75 and will furthermore deliver my thoughts on the rest only in fits and starts over the course of multiple posts.

But enough of my pre(r)amble. I feel like the host who delivers an unnecessarily long prayer before a sumptuous banquet, forcing my beloved guests to suffer needlessly while satisfaction sits mere inches away. Consider my supplication to a silent deity complete. Let us feast:

1) Give advice that matters in one sentence. Yes, God forbid you construct an idea so complex that grunts or gesturing with the femur in your hairy palm won't suffice.

2) Tell if someone is lying. Good call, pal. I should hope "You're a clever writer" raises a warning flag.

3) Take a photo. Whoa there, Ansel Adams. Don't set the bar too high for the rest of us.

5) Name a book that matters. "Catcher in the Rye does not matter," he usefully opines. Really? Tell that to John Lennon.

8) Not monopolize the conversation says the douche who wrote a four page document listing 75 things he feels a true man knows how to do.

9) Write a letter. I can get behind that. Hell, I sealed a photocopy of a seventeenth-century letter with red wax. I'm down. Let's see what else he has to say. "So easy. So easily forgotten." Okay. Trite but whatever. Anything else? "A five-paragraph structure works pretty well." Oh you son of a bitch.

12) Show respect without being a suck-up. Man, no one appreciates obsequious groveling like they used to.

13) Throw a punch and 14) Cut down a tree, in my humble opinion, should only count if you punch down a tree. Also, you are automatically disqualified if, upon successfully felling the mighty trunk, a lush beard does not immediately sprout from your face.

16) Tie a bow tie. I actually agree completely. No joke. Looking like a tool afterward is just gravy if you ask me.

17) Make a drink, in large batches, very well. I would recommend using a bathtub. If the air isn't dangerously combustible like a meth lab, you're not making it strong enough. In fact, why not just make your moonshine in your meth lab? Two birds, one stone, baby.

and today's final entry...

19) Approach a woman out of his league. Now, let me start by saying I whole-heartedly support this, mainly because I think every true man must know how to court failure, and experiencing the sweet sting of bear mace in your tear ducts is a thrill everyone should savor at least once. But what makes this entry so delicious to me is the writer's non sequitor of an explanation afterwards, which I have quoted in its entirety:

"Ever have a shoeshine from a guy you really admire? He works hard enough that he doesn't have to tell stupid jokes; he doesn't stare at your legs; he knows things you don't, but he doesn't talk about them every minute; he doesn't scrape or apologize for his status or his job or the way he is dressed; he does his job confidently and with a quiet relish. That stuff is wildly inviting. Act like that guy."

I wish I could make stuff like that up. I really do. Its profundity is thick, almost overwhelmingly so, the sort of potent morsel that you cannot immediately swallow, but must chew leisurely amidst your back teeth as you assimilate its constituent ingredients. That first line alone... There are men sitting in monasteries who don't have enough time to figure that one out. Just imagine, then, what bounty the next few items have in store for us. I, for one, cannot wait.