Buy Me a Double-Wide and Hand Me a Pabst

Shortly before the holiday break, a friend of mine in the department took a moment to say how glad he was that I came to our school and how much he appreciates our friendship. I was rather taken aback, as the culture I come from is built upon the idea that such sentiment, or any such expression of emotion, is never voiced aloud. I've always felt this works in my favor in matters of psychological duress, when I simply push things deep down and idly wonder how it'll manage to work it's way out (lately, it's been swearing in my sleep, if you're curious), but genuine affection or appreciation for anyone must be communicated solely through the gaze...which, unfortunately, usually earns me the adjective "squinty." Like an amorous pirate, I like to think, but the point remains I don't communicate affection well.

Perhaps the reason is because, it turns out, I am utterly without it. Yes, according to the flyspeck institutions of Harvard, Yale, and the National Institute of Mental Health, I am a seething cauldron of hate waiting to attack my African American brothers and sisters. You see, they have created an online test on racism you can take, and my end result was that I "strongly prefer people of European descent." "Strongly" isn't all that bad, you might (insincerely) say, but let me give you the scale: No preference, Minor Preference; Moderate Preference; Strong Preference. Yup. And to think I've always been such a good test taker otherwise.

I don't mean to make light of this result, but I just don't think it's all that accurate. I mean, I genuinely fear or dislike every creature on God's green earth; no one demographic really has a lock on my special attentions. More to the point, I've always found such tests a novelty more than anything else. Still, the majority of you are probably sagely nodding your heads, having expected nothing less, and I'm sure a choir of Irish ancestors are smiling apologetically in Purgatory for having pushed me down this dark path. I wish I had the good grace to feel more embarrassed about the results, but I really don't have time for that amidst my frantic campaign to prove Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate is a fake. In the meantime, pop over to More Rants than Raves to find the link and take this test yourself. I solemnly pray you'll all do better than I did.