New Years Resolutions, or A List of Things I'll Fail at this Year, as "Life" is Simply Too Broad

Like so many others, I enjoy creating a short list of resolutions at the cusp of the new year, just as the throbbing pain of 2011's parting nut-shot still radiates upward through one's torso and the piercing shriek of the infant 2012 ruptures your ear drum. It's a magical intersection of hope and the can-do spirit of self-improvement, long before reality (re)asserts itself and forcibly reminds us that our fundamental character is etched into our very soul and that we stand doomed to repeat the same sins, foibles, and lapses until the slow rotation of the Earth grinds the planet to dust.

Or, you know, not. Um...How's the new jogging regimen going?

Despite the rather grim turn of my introduction, I do think these resolutions have genuine merit, if only as a moment of self-reflection that considers the topography of our character and responds with a well-meaning mission statement for bettering ourselves that calendar year. And so, in that spirit, I humbly offer my resolutions--in no particular order--for a new year that, my Mayan friends tell me, will see the catastrophic termination of life as we know it.

Play More Golf. I include this not only because I enjoy it, but because it is becoming increasingly apparent with each passing year that my income and standard of living are not sufficiently projecting the aura of white privilege that is quite literally my genetic birthright. I don't know enough about economics to commit white collar crime, so it's this or tennis, and the latter has way too much staccato movement for my taste. Also, it's harder to get blind drunk playing tennis than golf.

Punch Clean through a Man's Chest. This is a standing resolution every year, and obviously needs no further explanation.

Outsource My Paper Grading to a Third World Country. The university is effectively a corporation in many respects (which has become particularly apparent now that I work at a private one), so I think I'll take a cue from many other American corporations and get the dirty manual labor of my profession taken care of by someone else. Bonus points if, like the manufacturers producing Apple's products overseas, this paper grading somehow manages to pollute China's water and air. They aren't going to let us remain the largest economy on the planet by asking nicely, people--most of them can't even understand English.

Accumulate More Obscure Knowledge about Punctuation and Typeface. Just this week I've learned the difference between the en dash and em dash (em dash is longer and is the standard punctuation mark), not to mention why they have those names (they are the length of the letters n and m respectively), as well as the distinction between a hair space and thin space. Because my priorities are irreparably warped, I found this genuinely interesting, and have vowed to learn even more arcane minutia of the printed word. Then I can become a copy editor and finally have a legitimate reason to kill myself. To my readers who are copy editors, I apologize. Yours is an exciting and life-affirming profession. Now get back to combing over the punctuation in the latest Harlequin romance novel. Who else will tell us whether "purple-headed warrior" really needs that hyphen or not?

High-Five More. Those are still cool, right?

Maintain my Luxurious Hairline. This is by no means a shot across the b(r)ow of anyone in particular; I just want to be mistaken for a seventeen year old boy for a few more years, okay?

Embrace my Terrible Taste in Music. I am currently listening to an acoustic cover of "The Freshmen," originally by The Verve Pipe (that's what you smoke meth in, right?), and I genuinely enjoy this rendition of "The Dragonborn Comes," which is itself from the video game Skyrim. I think those pretty well make my point for me.

I think that's enough for now. I'll keep you posted (get it? It's a blog, so...I post...blogs) as each one falls by the wayside. Feel free to add your own in the comment section. I reserve the right to shamelessly steal any that seem even potentially doable, particularly if I don't have to upset my daily routine in accomplishing them. Aim low, right? Ooh...that's another good resolution.