A Bridge Between the Holidays

After watching High Fidelity last night, I was inspired to make a top five list of my own. As we've just waddled out of the Thanksgiving holiday (bloated, satisfied, and proudly displaying gravy stains in the most embarrassing of places) and find ourselves on Black Friday (which, for a considerable period of my youth, I mistakenly thought had something to do with Irish people being slaughtered by British colonials, but now fully appreciate how much more grim the day really is), I ask myself what better kind of list to make than of the top five creepy corporate mascots selling food products? Indeed, how better to bridge Thanksgiving and Christmas than to combine morbid obesity, corporate whoredom, and feelings of unease and vulnerability? Don't worry - the question was rhetorical.


(Dis)Honorable Mention: Ronald McDonald. While a clown selling children deep fried portions of chicken that cannot reliably be placed on any anatomical diagram of the beast is absolutely terrifying, this famous spokesman for pederasts the world over is disqualified because it's just too damn obvious. No, we must blaze a new, slightly less obvious trail of our own, dear friends.


#5: Arby's Oven Mitt. To be honest, this guy isn't all that creepy. But he could very easily smother the life out of you with his quilted folds, and to be honest, I find his expression a little condescending. Hey Oven Mitt: I've almost got a Ph.d and you're selling fast food; get that fucking look off your face before I set you on fire. So why even let this comfy bastard slip into my top five? I absolutely despise Arby's.


#4: Quiznos Rat-Hamster-Beast. Clearly, this thing is an abomination in the sight of God and Man. Using a rodent that appears to be an amorphous lump of fur isn't the best bet for advertising food in the first place, but to then put crazy eyes on it just sends the message that not only will your food fail even Eastern European standards of prison meat quality, but you'll also get rabies from an animal bite. The only conceivable link I can see between this thing and a Quiznos Sub is that, like their tasty sandwiches, their mascot is best consigned to purging flames.


#3: Swiss Dairy Man. I really don't know if I feel comfortable having this thing delivering me my milk. First of all, how did he lose his other eye? For one reason or another, "prison shower fight" comes to mind. And if that's the case, what the hell does he have to smile about? Probably because he's deliberately holding his quart of milk in such a way as to simultaneously hide and suggest his raging erection. With a giant container of milk. Real subtle, crazy maimed ex-con milkman. Real subtle.

#2: Pillsbury Dough Boy. Sure, he seems harmless, and the whole family seems to love him in the commercials, but one musn't overlook the simple fact that this pale, dead-eyed chef seems to spend his every waking hour breaking into people's homes and demanding to be touched. And when they do, it's not a gentle caress. No, they jab their finger way the hell into his torso, and while by all rights he should be suffering massive internal organ damage, all he does is giggle and beg for more. He's unstoppable. Mark my words: when Zu'ul arrives and we choose the form of our own destroyer, it will be this little guy. And when the M1 tanks fire their 105mm cannon rounds into his doughy gut, his staccato laughter will be the song that ends the world.


#1: The Burger King. As the top of any list should, this winner holds many characteristics of his fellows further down the list: dead eyes, perpetual mirth, and a job shilling absolutely atrocious food. That said, he isn't really all that bad, I suppose, even if I put aside my heartfelt belief that it's a ripoff of Jack from Jack N' the Box. But when I saw the commercial where a guy wakes up in bed and the King was right there, waiting, staring with those enameled eyes as this poor bastard tried to figure out why he wasn't already chained to a wall in a Burger King themed sex dungeon, the King immediately took his place of honor atop the throne of this list. I have no doubt his reign will be merciless and terrible.