Irish Kung Fu: Apparently, We're not Great at Everything

For weeks now I've been reveling in France's utterly pathetic showing at the World Cup. Their much publicized bickering, subsequent collapse, and international shame are so delicious that I could eat it with a spoon, calories be damned. If I weren't already wed, I'd marry that debacle and spend the rest of my life faithfully loving it. You see, the delicate sauce that flavored this travesty so perfectly was the sweet tang of justice: in their last qualifying match, France eliminated Ireland through an equalizing goal that was set up by a Thierry Henry hand ball that was not called by the ref. In short, Ireland was denied a place in the World Cup because of a blown call. And though both nations are predominantly Catholic, God clearly took sides on the issue and made a point of raining Old Testament calamity upon the French side. Amen.

Sadly, I have come to learn that said hand ball was actually divine retribution itself. Behold the one and only foray by the Celtic race into kung fu films and see if you too don't feel the righteous fury of the Almighty swell within your breast:

I honestly can't think of a better way to sell this movie than they already do: "A classic good versus evil action flick, mixed with kicks, guns, motorcycles and a hot babe!" Of course, this may be because I'm utterly enamored by the alliterative phrase "mixed with kicks." I think it should be attached to everything. "Penicillin - now mixed with kicks." "Quick dry cement - please mix with kicks." And of course, "Your Mom: Mixed with Kicks."

However, this glorious line of poetry says little about the film's true substance. Luke McKinney over at Cracked puts it best: "Fatal Deviation is an ancient curse on the Irish people ('ancient' being 1993), passed on by a few VHS tapes like cinematic herpes until DVD technology re-released it on the world in exactly the same way archaeological digs 're-release' angry mummies...Fatal Deviation is not a parody. It's an Irish martial arts movie about a secret kung fu tournament run in a barn by a group of hobo-monks in the scenic village of Trim."

Clearly, Jimmy Bennett, the star / writer / director / cinematographer / "Fight Action Choreographer" / great shame of the Irish people / producer of this "film," played Mortal Kombat and thought it had a pretty sweet premise. The "hobo-monks" who organize the tournament and apparently train young Jimmy clearly have nothing to do with the decades of sexual abuse scandal that have plagued the Catholic church here and abroad:


I guarantee that haunting image is the last thing a number of children saw before an ether rag was shoved over their mouth and they were thrown into the back of a windowless van. Of, if we're going by the background, the last thing a smiling couple on a romantic hike saw before a hobo, reeking of the Elmer's Glue he just had for lunch, stabs them with a filthy Taco Bell spork and drags them off to his den, where he leisurely eats them both over the course of the next few weeks. The fact that the robe evokes Ben Kenobi on Tatooine makes it even worse for me. Pederasty and cannibalism are not the Jedi code.

Where was I? Oh yeah, talking about how much this movie is an affront to God and the entire history of cinema. The list of why this "movie" is so terrible stretches off into the horizon like the scrawl of text at the opening of a Star Wars movie (see what I did there?), and thus is far too lengthy to innumerate in its entirety. Still, if you ordered a sampler of this delicacy at your local pub, it would go something like this: pathetic fight choreography, editing that could only have been done by a chimpanzee with severe head trauma, an unintentional car crash because the ass couldn't navigate a narrow country road, a cast list that includes a member of the one Irish boy band from the 90's (Boyzone, which, I'll admit, one of my cousins was obsessed with when she was 6)...God, I feel disgusted with myself. Just watch this trailer for the movie and see for yourself. Or, save yourself two and a half minutes and just gouge your eyes out now.



Also, I found this gem from the same distributor:


Honestly, it seems like you can't throw a fucking rock without hitting an underground fight tournament in these movies. They really need to come up with an original premise. Like how an awkward and unpopular girl gets made over to become the prom queen, or how a grizzled detective plays by his own rules to catch the bad guys. Or maybe a grizzled girl plays by her own rules to get the prom queen, who is a bad guy / trannie. I'd pay to see that.