Because Working at a Car Wash Isn't Bad Enough Already

This little exposé details, in rather business-like fashion, a charming little "snafu" some local car wash owners have gotten themselves into. According to the author, these intrepid titans of industry have been treating their car wash employees like "indentured servants" because, you know, having to tell people you work at a car wash isn't quite shitty enough. Apparently this husband and wife duo "worked [their employees / indentured servants / butts of some cosmic joke] without overtime pay, rest or lunch breaks, drank water from a washing machine, received no proper medical treatment for cuts and burns, and were harassed if they tried to unionize." Most of these I can wrap my head around: while not exactly living the Gospel, I understand that virtually all of these infractions were the result of pushing their employees to be more productive. Fine. I get it. But making them drink water from a washing machine? I mean, it's not like we're talking about a laundromat here. Hell, at least let them drink from a hose or something. Of course, this is also the revelation that makes me giggle the hardest. "What? You want a drink? Well, I just started a load of whites ten minutes ago, so just wring out a pair of underwear and see how much water you can get from that. Oh, and I'm docking your pay while you're lapping up that charming cocktail of soap-and-crotch water. Cheers."

But what I really appreciate about this story is how it puts into sharp relief the simple reality that people bring different philosophies of management to the workplace. The owners / operators felt that denying these workers their legal rights an expedient shortcut to greater profit at, admittedly, their peons' expense. Meanwhile, their immediate subordinate (the site manager) used a different approach: he is "accused of using a machete and a baton to threaten workers and unionizers." No one's going to accuse this guy of being subtle, but hell, that washing machine is looking better and better, huh? Complain all you want, but you can't argue with results.

So, dear car wash owners and manager, I salute you. And rest assured that the law will evaluate your various infractions with the utmost diligence and scrutiny, resulting in the most equitable decision possible: that go-getter with the machete and baton (the latter, I pray, filled with water and glitter so it caught the light magically as he threatened to sever a hand if you didn't buff that hood like a genie was going to pop out of the exhaust pipe) "faces 2 1/2 years in jail if convicted," while the husband and wife duo (the family that oppresses the proletariat together stays together, right?) are staring down the barrel of "nearly 86 years each in jail if convicted." Bet they're wishing they stuck with the family business and opened a Nike factory right about now.