Social Darwinism

Honestly, I'm not sure if they think I'm stupid, or if they're just that stupid themselves, but whatever the reason, there are always a few students who mistake my affable, good nature and think they can pull a fast one on me. Couple that with Spring Quarter sloth, and you have a charming cocktail that can, at times, result in them submitting absolute bullshit. It's time's like these, dear reader, when I can write emails like this:

Part of the reason I had asked for the electronic version of your paper was because I actually did have the first page of what you had turned in last week, but it didn't quite look like it was what the assignment was asking for, so I thought there may have been some mistake. This is indeed what you sent this time, but again, let me suggest you double check that this file was actually your second essay. If it were, I'd point out that the header of the essay suggests you originally wrote this for _________ in Fall Quarter, and remind you that submitting old work, even of your own, for a new assignment technically constitutes plagiarism. Additionally, as there is no mention made of _____________, the essay our papers were meant to respond to, this essay doesn't meet the basic requirements of the prompt. Either way, it would have gotten a 0.
Of course, none of that matters, because I'm sure this isn't the rough draft of your second essay. Do look around for it and get it in to me as soon as you can.

Before I address what's going on here, allow me to translate my previous, formal missive:

Hey, you fucking retard. I realize this is already weeks late, but please don't think I'm so goddamn stupid that I wouldn't notice the shit you sent me is barely on topic and clearly has another class named in the header. Let me remind you that I can now official nail your ass to the wall; I own you. However, as I loathe communicating with you in any fashion, I find it far more expedient to threaten you and then point your ignorant ass toward the back door than to actually follow it up. Cobble some shit together overnight, lie to me (like you would anyway), and I'll give you a D-. Chop, chop.

p.s. You put the date at November 2009 on your paper, dipshit. I suggest you get in that time machine and turn in a fucking paper on topic this time around.

Ah. I feel considerably better now. One or two of you may be aghast, or at least curious, why I'm not turning this person in to a disciplinary committee, but the short answer is his sloth is actually working in his favor. Having never turned in a hard copy of the paper, he can just claim that he accidentally sent the wrong file, and as my delicately worded translation suggested, I don't have the time or inclination to deal with it. Besides, as our final paper is on a famous novel, chances are he might try it again.

Honestly, if we were all on the Serengeti, this one would have been ostracized from the herd and pulled down by predators long ago. Alas for our more "civilized" age.