WWJD?

I must confess, I'm still getting used to the "married" thing. After being told for the majority of my life that accidentally brushing against the corner of a sofa with my swimsuit area would consign me to the ceaseless agony of purging flames and the harsh trill of demonic laughter, I can't help but feel suspicious that sex is now suddenly okay. It's as if I could swear I saw the pitcher throw the ball, but when I'm frantically rounding second base, I see it drawn, almost lazily, from his voluminous glove as a shit-eating grin spreads slowly across his face. I fell for his trick, and now I'm trapped. And then I'm pulled screaming down to hell in that ridiculous baseball uniform...

It's only fair, then, that the Catholic Church is making an effort to correct the significant psychological damage inflicted upon me during my formative years - at least the part dealing with, well, one's "part":


Say hello to Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God, the seksy new book by Polish priest Ksawery Knotz. In it, Kfather Knotz assures his guilt-ridden readership that sex should be "saucy, surprising and fantasy packed," which is eerily prescient, as I know many a Catholic who secretly dreams about being suddenly ambushed by their spouse dressed as a high elf and dunked in sun-dried tomato Alfredo. The Cliffnotes version is that, surprise, you won't burst into flame during sex, though if you and your spouse didn't hit the clinic before your "I do," there may be some burning afterward.

Speaking of reasons to be horribly, horribly ashamed, Florida (the flaccid penis of the continental United States!) has recently made a real push to add a sense of gravitas and quiet respect to their license plates:


Now, I'm willing to go out on a limb here and say that this one isn't a Catholic thing; we're more into having members of an abstinent religious order give married couples sexual advice based off of a year's worth of counseling experience. But as a religious institution with a long history of iconographic, even idolatrous experience (if you ask a sixteenth-century Protestant), please allow a Catholic to give you a few points on your latest brain child. For starters, is our Lord and Savior languishing in front of a sun, a giant halo, or an orange? There's a chance this may affect the interpretation of the devout, or make people thirsty for juice. Get on that. Also, while it will make Christ-centered vanity plates much easier to accomplish, having a picture of Jesus in the middle may ruin the effect of my FKOSAMA or HIOFCER plate. I mean, the old design was perfect. What could go wrong with it?


Props to Doc and Digital Mercenary, who passed along the Seks book and license plate, respectively. I love how I have become the repository for all the absurd things my friends uncover on the interwebs.