Rambo 47,373,958, Burma 0

Any rational human being should glean little to no sense from the title of my latest blog post. If you know me at all, you will realize that trivialities like that barely give me pause anymore. However, unpacking its rich symbology (thank you, Dr. Robert Langdon of fake Harvard University for bringing this illustrious field to such prominence) is simply too delicious a prospect for me to pass up.

You see, dear friends (he says, leaning closer, as if to impart the dark heart of a conspiracy), there is a final Rambo movie in the making. And I'm not talking about Sly drinking too much rubbing alcohol, having a minor stroke in the middle of the night, banging his head on the headboard and deciding that maybe, in the future, he'll make another. Perhaps after the whole Planet Hollywood thing pans out. No, this movie is due out in May, and already has two scrumptious trailers out, the better (gloriouser? awesomester?) of which I'll link below.

But first, let me set the stage: Rambo has apparently retired to southeast Asia and taken up (what else?) the contemplative life of a blacksmith. This is essential, because it keeps John (Rambo's first name, noob) in touch with the primal elements of male machismo: fire, metal, hitting stuff, and fire. But we need a plot, and so in walks Rita from Dexter and some other do-gooders who want to stop the genocide going on in Burma. Now, I'm no cartographer, but I've heard nastily persistent rumors that "Burma" is now going by "the Union of Myanmar." But as you'll soon hear for yourself, Rambo calls it Burma, so that's good enough for me. Hell, he could call it fucking Candyland or Lumpy Place Estates for all I care. The details are inconsequential here. What matters is that--surprise--the savages that Rita et al went to save people from end up capturing them instead, and so Rambo steps in and, from the look of the trailer, kills every single man, woman, and child in the entire country--which, I might add, has a population of 47,373,958. I'm told this number is as low as it is because the nation is being ravaged by an AIDS epidemic. Tastefully, Sly has decided to set another one upon them in his film, only this one has greasy black hair, a dapper headband, and some as-yet unburned body fat.

I won't go into further details, less because of a desire to leave some surprise as that I've pretty much run out of details. Nevertheless, let me just warn you that this trailer is absurdly violent, but if the Don is indeed correct (my only friend to have served in Iraq), a Jeep mounted .50 cal will indeed make a man explode into hamburger from close range, so maybe it's all legit. Not that John Rambo needs such heavy armament. If this trailer is any indication, he could have done it all with his bare hands. But I'll admit, Burma is a relatively small country. If the Chinese act up, we can give Rambo a spork and team him up with an armored polar bear, and that'll be the end of that. Of course, then we'll have to find someone else to apply lead-based paint to our toys, but I digress.

Be warned, men: as you watch this trailer your Y chromosome will burn hot and bright, like a bar of fired steel, and as the visceral brutality of these scenes hammer that metal again and again, know that Rambo is molding you into the ladle of awesome that he believes you can be. Or perhaps a spice rack of kickass. I bet even Rambo needs one of those.