Why I Won't Teach Elementary

After making a joke in my last post about huffing paint and cruising...er....drag racing in front of a preschool, I took a moment for Colonel Gentleman, looked inside my heart, and asked, "If I got out of that car and engaged all those children at once in vicious, no-holds-barred combat, would I ultimately stand triumphant upon an unmoving pile of vanquished foes?" The thing was, I didn't honestly know if I could take all the little bastards. But as I started to fashion a crude set of "battle-mitts" out of woolen gloves, shards of broken glass, and duct tape in order to test that very hypothesis, I discovered a digital quiz that would answer this very question for me, and as I don't know where a local preschool even is, my sloth won out over my desire for righteous battle. And the result?

16
At first glance, this may appear to be a respectable number. Remember, however, that with the state of the American educational system what it is, classroom crowding at all but the most elite private preschools would ensure I was taking thirty to forty of these drooling, sticky hellions on at once. And am I satisfied with only a 50% casualty rate? I don't know.

I suspect my inexperience with avoiding swarm-tactic combat attributed to the relatively low number, as well as my inexperience with combat of any kind. That, and the stale milk breath I imagine most of those little kids have would be a deal breaker. I mean, how can you concentrate on dropping an atomic elbow on Betty Sue when little Tommy Miller smells like a month old quart of Clover Stornetta?

I have my suspicions which of my regular readers will score highest on this quiz, one of whom is appropriately enough planning on teaching young children. Do please take a moment to take the test and share your results in the comments section. When the inevitable zombie apocalypse comes, I want to know who's on point when the gaggle of toddlers break through the door and shamble our way.